today marks 1 full year of living in new york city, a year that has changed me in ways i did not and could not have anticipated, good, bad, and “i don’t know yet or ever.” this year has gone by so quickly that it’s almost hard to comprehend at all.
this morning i picked up all my developed film, ten rolls from the last year. at the same time that the year has disappeared, i’m suddenly hit with an overwhelming wealth of documentation — road trip signage, best friends & breakfast, people i have loved, and things i forgot completely.
life has been really good to me and i have a lot of positive things in my life. but i also have a lot of work to do. i’m realizing things about myself that a lot of people who love me have already known. i’m realizing things that i have been leaking out the sides onto the internet and through the bits and pieces that i make, art or whatever.
so now i have all these emotions and memories and photos. are they art? does that matter? do i put them on facebook and tag my friends? do i edit and juxtapose and put them to paper? is this past year a zine? is this past year a postcard series? will the life i’m living and the lessons i learned still matter if i don’t make something out of it? are the feelings still valid if i don’t share them? can i even share everything? will i be too vulnerable? is it fair to air out the old feelings when everyone is so diligently moving on in their own directions? is it fair to relive past lives when i can only move forward?
i’ve spent the last few months just trying to figure out what everything means for me. i’ve regretted “being an ‘artist,’” i have wished that i didn’t always have to “make things out of things,” i have wished that i could just work and eat and sleep and repeat. but that’s just not how i function.
the truth is what i guess i have always known. life is what you make of it. sometimes literally, and i explore that a lot. but it can’t always be tangible. not every feeling can be a postcard that i can mail away. some emotions are exactly what they are, and they have to be mine to keep. so i am going to go through all my photos and i will share some when i figure it all out.